Why Blaming Your Ex Doesn’t Make Sense


Divorce is a breeding ground for the blame game.



It’s normal to blame an ex for how you feel but it doesn’t make sense to do it.


It might feel good in the moment but it will always leave you with an emotional hangover.


There is no upside to blaming.


You’ve likely experienced a whirlwind of emotions after your divorce because of the thoughts you’re thinking.


After divorce, anger, sadness, resentment, and overwhelm are common feelings.


It’s easy to blame an ex for your feelings. You might even feel justified.


Maybe the relationship ended because they cheated. Maybe they’re not paying you the amount of support you think you deserve.


There are countless reasons why you might think feeling a certain way is warranted.


Some (typically friends and family) might agree that your feelings are valid.


What I want to offer to you is that your ex is never responsible for how you feel.

This is true 100% of the time regardless of the circumstance. Their behavior can never cause you to feel a certain way.


I know some of you are saying “but” or “what the hell is she talking about”?!


I promise this is true and it’s empowering when you understand it. Only you are responsible for how you feel.


You get to choose what story to tell about your ex. Blaming them (for anything) is creating a victim story, which will always cause you suffering.


Your ex is always responsible for their actions (as are you). But, you can hold them accountable without blaming them.


Maybe you want to feel angry because of your ex’s behavior. That’s ok. Sometimes we want to feel negative about something someone did.


But, it’s important to own that you are choosing to feel that way.


Noticing that will give you authority over your experience.


When you blame your ex you are giving them power over your emotions.


Blaming them gives all your power away because for you to feel better they have to change their behavior. This rarely happens.


You’re also arguing with reality. You’re blaming how you feel on something they did in the past. When you argue with reality you will lose 100% of the time (as Byron Katie says).


You don’t have a time machine. You can’t change what happened. Blaming is past-focused. To reinvent your life after divorce you must be future-focused.


A useful exercise to do is to do a thought download then separate the facts from the story.


This exercise will show you how blaming your ex (the story you’re telling) is causing your own feelings. Your ex is not the one causing you to feel a certain way.


Start by filling up a sheet of paper by writing everything that comes to mind when you think of your divorce or something your ex did.


Don’t censor yourself.


Next, separate out the facts from the story you are telling.


Facts are something everyone can agree upon. They can be proven in a court of law.


For example, you got divorced. That is a fact. It’s totally neutral until you have a thought about it. The thought causes a feeling. Not the circumstance (fact).


A story you might tell about the divorce is “he ruined my life by cheating”. This thought will cause you to suffer because you are blaming your ex.


Someone else might tell a totally different story about the same circumstance such as “this is an opportunity to reinvent my life”, which will generate a positive feeling.


Same circumstance. Two different stories. Two different emotions (one negative, the other positive).


This is not about thought swapping (quickly changing your thought to feel better).


It’s about noticing and owning that you create your experience. 


Blaming your ex for how you feel doesn’t make sense. It’s never what they do or don’t do that can cause you to feel a certain way.


Please note, it’s not useful to turn on yourself once you realize that you’re creating your own suffering. Please don’t do that.


It’s simply about awareness and recognizing that your feelings are a choice.


I know it feels like emotions just happen to us but I promise that is never the case. They are always caused by thoughts and stories you tell yourself.


To reinvent your life after divorce, you need to drop the blame and take ownership over your feelings.


You create your experience 100% of the time.


That’s the best news ever!


If you found this post helpful you might also like How To Have An Amazing Relationship With Your Ex


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